Psychology of relationships: Why do we not understand each other?

Do you notice what you think? Take a closer look. Thoughts come to you on their own. In finished form. You don’t design them. This work is done by the unconscious. It makes its invisible calculations and sells them to the mind in a wrapper of ready-made conclusions. Say, here’s the holy truth for you – take it as it is.

Our unconscious does not see life in its simple immediacy. Interprets each phenomenon as a symbol of something else. As if external reality is talking to our gut. But not directly and honestly. And hints and equivocations.

Moreover, not only people “hint” to us, but also things and events. There are signs and symbols all around.

We don’t even notice how irrationally-symbolically we look at the world. We don’t think for ourselves. The unconscious thinks for us. And we just believe in these thoughts.
The very situation when you have not yet understood what you feel, but you already “know”, the person next to you is to blame. And I must repent. “For justice.” You are already blissfully looking forward to his guilty admission of your wrong, but he takes it, and does everything the other way around: instead of apologies, he comes over … And at that moment, the “sense of injustice happening” begins to burst monstrously. I want to put him in his place decisively and unceremoniously. You can immediately fist. So that he immediately realized how wrong he was.

And the trouble is not that you do not understand the person next to you. And that it seems like you understand. This illusion gives rise to conflicts.

We ourselves do not notice how much we think out. We attribute symbolic super-meanings to simple words and gestures. And then, confident that we understood everything, we react to our self-deception.

A kind of theater of animated puppets, who imagine that the puppeteer’s manipulations are an expression of the ultimate truth of life.

You think you know. I’m sure of it. But you don’t know why. It’s just how you “feel”. “Intuitively.” Based on this, you act. Naively expecting others to understand. If you don’t understand how you feel yourself, how can you count on the understanding of others?

And so everywhere. Every movement of reality is a symbol.


People don’t understand each other because they don’t even try to understand. And they don’t try, because they are sure that everything is clear anyway. The mind that thinks in ready-made conclusions will accept any chimera as the obvious truth behind everything.

How to move to real understanding? Simple advice – clarify and clarify. Ask yourself often: “What exactly am I feeling right now? Why do I believe in it?

If someone turned out to be “wrong”, do not rush to blame – they will have time. First, clarify your feelings and motives of the offender. What does the situation symbolize for you?

“Do I understand correctly that you express disrespect with your act?”

Don’t tell people how guilty they are. Talk about your characters. It is not an easy task to reveal your feelings and express them. But if you don’t understand what you feel, is it worth it to open your mouth in the power of indistinct emotions?

If you are being hurt, ask if it is intentional. And if you start with confident accusations, without understanding your feelings, then you will deceive yourself and confuse others.

If a person does “badly”, do not rush to tell him about it. Perhaps in his worldview your “bad” does not exist, and he will not understand your morality. But he can understand your living feelings.

Judgment is usually perceived as psychological abuse and met with protest. And honestly voicing your experiences can cause a step towards a meeting.

“You are not obliged to believe in my gods, and obey them, but you can respect my request. You don’t have to do it because it’s “right”, you can do it because it makes me feel better.”

And if a person does not care about your feelings either, well, then you will know the truth, undistorted by philosophical disputes about right and wrong.