The “seriousness” of the relationship is given by the closeness and stability resulting from grinding, when the partners, having overcome a number of joint difficulties and getting to know each other better, are not dealing with a beautiful mask, but with a real person. But now it’s not so much about how to start a serious relationship, but about how not to go too far with this “sinister” seriousness in them. Quite recently, the site already had a short article titled “You Can’t Negotiate in Conflict,” which dealt with a situation that is topical for most people when your and your partner’s interests diverge. Possible solutions were proposed as a conclusion of the article and a way out of the situation: run away, start a war with a partner, or still follow the most difficult and reasonable path – go to the stage of negotiations and resolve the issue peacefully. But what if the situation seems hopeless? What if the partner does not want to negotiate, and you no longer want to conflict, and do not intend to part either? This is indeed a difficult situation. And it is not easy, not because it seems to be a dead end and hopelessness, but because it inevitably leads to your growth – and this is almost always a painful process. In order not to be unfounded, I will try to decipher what kind of “growth” I am talking about.
The Energy of a Serious Relationship
Serious Relationships Almost all scandals in relationships with loved ones are not actually arranged at all because of material objects. The things we argue about are just an excuse to sort things out. That is, in fact, it is not things that are important for us, but how exactly our partner reacts to us – sensitively, friendly, courteous, serious, or – utilitarian and despotic with a disregard. In relationships, it is not so much the subject of discussion that is important, but the form of expressions and the energy of intonations in which this subject is discussed.
The main problem in conflict situations is mechanical reactions. Here, let’s say, a loved one asked you to tidy up your things in a near-commandable tone. It seems to be nothing special – the usual “little things in life.” And, it would seem, how stupid it is to quarrel and make scandals because of them. But as mentioned above, the point is not at all in tidy things. Yes, for the sake of a loved one, you can simply throw them away! And nothing bad will happen. But you yourself do not notice how you start to get angry. And not because you were asked to clean up, but because in an orderly tone you were actually asked to obey, to become a weak-willed rag, on which it is convenient to wipe your feet. I deliberately exaggerate so that the subtle becomes obvious.
The topic of requests and orders on the site has already been touched upon. Here I want to go further and look at a “no way out” situation – one where it seems that there are simply no solutions, and hands down. It can happen in a relationship with anyone – not only with a partner, but, for example, in a relationship with a child, a colleague, a friend, with anyone. Circumstances are different, but such a situation is always a painful suspension, when it is no longer possible to stay in place in the usual conditions, and making decisions and changing something is even worse. To bend is humiliating, and to fight is dangerous. As a result, any consequences for our self-esteem seem devastating.
When you feel that it is inappropriate to develop a conflict, and it is not possible to negotiate, because the person does not listen to you, then personal growth begins to work out karma. In such a situation, you may finally have a serious motive – to pay attention to your own log cars “in the eye” mechanical reactions.
Most likely, when you tried to negotiate with your partner and explain something about your situation with him, then simply, as is most often the case, you were looking for a veiled way to shift all responsibility for the mutual conflict onto the partner, and shield yourself as an innocent victim , which is almost always and in almost everything right. This is, you know, such a reckless norm that most people follow.
In other words, when negotiations do not bear fruit and the person does not hear you, perhaps he really is not ready to hear, and another moment should be chosen for the conversation. Or maybe your partner simply does not fit your style of presentation. Remember? It’s not the words that are important, but the presentation… the way you speak, what you put on your look – in violent “righteous” anger and the imposition of your “truth”, or a sincere aspiration for peace.
The person next to you is alive. It is as hard for him to change his views and admit that he is wrong as it is for you. It’s important to remember this. And if, as is usually the case, you are trying to prove that your partner is wrong and you are right, what do you actually expect? That your partner will be surprised at your great wisdom, will immediately understand everything and change his mind? Maybe that’s what happens… in fairy tales. And in life, in such a serious relationship, the partner is almost inevitably on the defensive. After all, you, in fact, prove to him that he is in the wrong – wrong and should go through the procedure for correcting the “factory marriage”.
And change doesn’t come easy. Living people don’t have magic buttons
by clicking on which they change for the better for us. Personal change is always breaking. And of course, “it would be better” for others to break, and not for us … – it’s easier for us. And the partner, a shameless impudent one, defends himself from such encroachments on his personality. Nobody likes such changes. Everyone fears them, because change is fraught with the loss of familiar supports. There was also a separate article about this conservatism of the ego on progressman.ru.
And after all, no one in this life is obliged to change according to our desire. The desire to remake another person is our problem, not his. And who will give a 100% guarantee that our truth is true, and our partner’s truth is a lie? And how sometimes we naively rejoice when our opinion is supported by someone else, someone else. Then we feel as if we have won the battle, because now it’s much further for our partner to continue to insist on his own, when others admit that he is a dissident “infidel” …